Match Report

	(5) 12	-	(0) 0
Colchester united				Chew Valley Raiders
Division Pos:11				Division Pos:4

Goal Scorers
Dick Tater 7, 24 (pen), 41, 70 Tyson Langley 16 (og) Warren Piece 32, 58, 86 Lou Sirr 51 Fletcher Bisceps 64, 75, 80

Match Statistics

4 3 3	Formation	4 3 3
56	Possession	44
17	Shots	6
6	Fouls	11
0	Yellow Cards	1
0	Red Cards	0
4	Offsides	1
Use Wings	Style	Passing
Attacking	Instruction	Defensive
Pansy	Aggression	Normal
Studded	Boots	Blades

Player Ratings

1	D.Pipes	73
2	C.Lear	87
3	B.Board	87
4	J.Czarfunee	87
5	A.Tricity	83
6	B.Tagg	85
7	J.Case	51
8	L.Sirr	87
9	D.Tater	92
10	W.Piece	79
11	F.Bisceps	81
12	A.Kaseltzer	0
13	E.Roids	0
14	S.Urai	0
15	A.Choke	0
16	M.Absent	0

1	L.Glastonbury		55
2	R.Afielding	(75)	63
3	S.Hirst		58
4	T.Langley	(64)	60
5	C.Pasculata		53
6	S.Nerpel	(60)	45
7	S.Saha		65
8	S.Osborne		59
9	J.Monae	(90)	45
10	D.Yordanova		72
11	K.Hauer		59
12	A.Licabell		0
13	L.Gut	(90)	45
14	S.Khan	(60)	63
15	A.Yumlu		0
16	R.Rei	(75)	54


Time	Person	Description
7 mins	Dick Tater	with the bumcheek of God
16 mins	Tyson Langley	with an own goal from a goal mouth fumble
24 mins	Dick Tater	after ref awarded a penalty
32 mins	Warren Piece	after a pigeon distracted the keeper
41 mins	Dick Tater	with the hand of God
51 mins	Lou Sirr	with a lucky rebound off the keeper
58 mins	Warren Piece	from the dressing room
64 mins	Tyson Langley	Obstruction
64 mins	Fletcher Bisceps	after the referee over-ruled the linesman when blatantly 30 yards offside
70 mins	Dick Tater	with an unbelievable shot from his own penalty area
75 mins	Fletcher Bisceps	with a flick on
80 mins	Fletcher Bisceps	with a spectacular bicycle kick
86 mins	Warren Piece	from the dressing room
90 mins	Jan Monae	A mild concussion

Match Report

Colchester united couldn't have wished for a better result. That said they probably do most times they play. This was their dream come true. Everything they touched turned to goals in this 12 - 0 rout of Chew Valley Raiders.
When Colchester united's defence get bored of football they could become Permanent Felt Tips. On today's impressive display they're all Magic Markers.
Chew Valley Raiders's Ayca Yumlu missed the game after the vicar at his local church insisted he stop for a chat and a cup of tea after the service.
The Chew Valley Raiders players looked on in horror as Tyson Langley rounded his own defenders and finished into his own net with like the muppet he is.
An almighty performance by Colchester united's forwards, their game was like the contents of a carpet fitters pockets. Attack, attack, attack.
Colchester united look about as convinving playing in the 4 3 3 formation as they would if boss Will Armstrong sent them out in dresses.
"Will Armstrong has the Midas touch at the moment," his striker Fletcher Bisceps claimed in a post-match interview. "He's responsible for our golden performances."
You can talk about damage limitation all you like. When you've shipped 12 goals the only thing that's going to save you from a team like Colchester united is the final whistle.

Extra Information

Referee

Weather

Pitch

Billy Bludgeon

Windy

Muddy Pitch